🍏 THE SCRUMPY THUMPER – Rattler Edition“The Loaf That Slapped Me in the Face with Flavour (Metaphorically, But Also Emotionally)”

By John Nickolls – former naval hero, current HGV gladiator, bread whisperer, cider romantic, and part-time loaf philosopher

PART ONE: 🌊 THE INSPIRATION STRIKES (LIKE A CIDER-POWERED WAVE TO THE SOUL)

Let’s set the scene. Cornwall. April. The kind of weather that can’t decide if it’s picnic-perfect or beach-beating gales, so it kindly offers both. There I am – sun hat cocked at a jaunty angle, standing in the sacred grounds of Healey’s Cyder Farm, with a Rattler in one hand, a pork-based snack in the other, and the first twinges of divine baking inspiration brewing somewhere just behind the eyebrows.

You see, for the uninitiated (or the tragically sober), Rattler is not just a cider. It’s the cider. An effervescent nectar of apple, joy, and reckless abandon. If ciders were members of a 90s boy band, Rattler would be the frontman – shirtless, crowd-surfing, with a tattoo of a bad decision and a scent of orchard rebellion.

“What if this cider… became bread?”

PART TWO: 🧠 THE CIDER THAT BAKED A DREAM

Let’s rewind. Imagine the inner workings of my brain like an Alan Partridge brainstorm session:

• Flipchart.

• Laser pointer.

• Massive picture of a loaf with sunglasses.

The thought process was simple:

1. Cider = Good.

2. Bread = Also good.

3. Cider + Bread = Possibly illegal, but worth pursuing.

Back in Vanilla (my beloved campervan), I opened Notes and began to build The Formula. This wasn’t just baking. This was architectural carb design.

Behold – the original Scrumpy Thumper Blueprint:

• 270g strong white bread flour

• 20g vanilla protein powder

• 160g Rattler cider

• 30g grated apple

• 20g chopped walnuts

• 10g honey

• 4g salt

• 3g fast-acting yeast

• 10g butter or olive oil

A loaf that sings, crunches, zings, and thumps. It doesn’t whisper, it proclaims: “I’m here, I’m baked, and I’m ready to be buttered.”

PART THREE: ⏱️ THE RETURN HOME – WHERE BREAD MEETS DESTINY

I returned home to Staffordshire like a man on a mission. I unpacked my bag, unzipped the cider-scented dream from my brain, and prepped the breadmaker like it was a nuclear submarine about to launch flavour warheads.

I poured in the Rattler. The familiar fizz. The cheeky hiss of carbonated confidence. Then the honey, flour, yeast, salt. Apple. Walnuts. Protein powder.

The breadmaker whirred. The kitchen began to smell like toast and rebellion. Like comfort wrapped in ambition. Like breakfast had joined a band.

PART FOUR: 💥 THE BEAST EMERGES

The beep came. I opened the lid like it was the Ark of the Covenant. And there it was.

The Scrumpy Thumper.

Golden. Glistening slightly. Crusty in all the right ways. A loaf so perfectly shaped it looked sculpted. The tap test? Hollow. Deep. Respectable.

The inside? Soft. Fluffy. Apple-flecked. Walnut-sparkled. I took a bite.

The Rattler was there – not overpowering, but present. Like a polite drunk uncle at a wedding.

PART FIVE: 🧱 HOW TO SERVE THIS MONARCH OF MEALDOM

CLASSIC TOASTED & BUTTERED

• Toast it. Butter it. Cry a little. Feel alive.

THE PLUMPTON SPECIAL

• Cheddar. Apple chutney. Under the grill. Rattler on the side.

THE BEDTIME NIBBLE

• Heel of the loaf. Drizzle of honey. Dressing gown. No regrets.

THE PLOUGHMANTHUMPER™

• Ham. Pickles. Tomato. Thick wedge of Thumper. You’re welcome.

PART SIX: 😭 THE LOAF THAT BROUGHT TEARS

This loaf isn’t just about bread. It’s about:

• Saying YES to cider in a mixing bowl

• Saying NO to bland white loaves

• Celebrating rebellion through crust

People said:

• “Is this legal?”

• “I don’t even like walnuts but I’d marry this loaf.”

• “Did you invent this, or did God bake it through you?”

PART SEVEN: 💪 THE LEGACY

This loaf deserves immortality. I’ve considered:

• A tattoo of the recipe

• A documentary narrated by Brian Blessed

• UNESCO Heritage status

When you bake this, you’re not just making bread. You’re:

• Honouring Cornwall

• Celebrating cider

• Joining a proud brotherhood of crumb warriors

PART EIGHT: 🔹 BONUS FEATURES

Thumper Technical Specs:

• Crumb rating: 10/10

• Crust: Confident

• Cider kick: Cheeky wink

• Aroma: Like a hug from an orchard

Deleted Scene: Cinnamon was tried. It was wrong. Don’t do it.

Alternate Names:

• Crust Almighty

• Operation: Crumbstorm

• The Loaf That Says “Gwarn Then”

PART NINE: ❓ FAQ

Q: Can I use other cider?A: Technically yes. Emotionally? No.

Q: Can I make it without walnuts?A: Then it’s not The Scrumpy Thumper. It’s The Fluffy Maybe.

Q: Is it healthy?A: Health-adjacent. One of your five-a-day if you squint.

PART TEN: 📍 THE THUMPER MANIFESTO

“Do not go gently into dull bread. Rise boldly. Crust gloriously. Infuse with cider, and THUMP with flavour.”

Bake like you mean it. Drink your ingredients. Talk to your yeast. Believe in the fluff.

This loaf doesn’t ask permission to be loved. It simply rises, crusts, and delivers joy with walnut-tinged authority.

PART ELEVEN: 🏆 FINAL SLICE

This loaf began as a glint in my cider-soaked eye on a Cornish afternoon. It became a project, a passion, a religious experience in crust.

It’s fluffy but fierce.Cheeky but noble.And loud enough to echo across Bodmin Moor in the dead of night.

Bake it. Slice it. Toast it. Name your children after it if you must.

And when you take that first bite, whisper:

“That’ll do, loaf. That’ll do.”