Rum & Raisin Bread

🍞⚓️ Double-Rum & Raisin Bread: The Loaf That Legally Shouldn't Be This Drunk

“Baked by a man. Fuelled by rum. Approved by pirates, parrots, and pensioners named Trevor.”

🏴‍☠️ INTRODUCTION:

Let’s get one thing straight: this isn’t your mum’s gentle, respectful loaf of Hovis.No. This is The Rolling Stones of baked goods.It smells like a Caribbean brawl. It tastes like holiday infidelity. It’s got so much rum, the loaf may fail a breathalyser.

If you’ve got a mini breadmaker, a bottle of rum, and no fear of flavour, then this, dear reader, is your moment.

🛒 INGREDIENTS: (Costed because we’re not made of money, Sandra)

Ingredient	Amount	Approx. Cost	Humour Rating
Strong white bread flour	230g	£0.20	Very serious
Fast-action yeast	1 tsp	£0.04	Farty
Dark brown sugar	2 tbsp (25g)	£0.05	Stickier than gossip
Fine sea salt	¾ tsp	£0.01	Salty like my ex
Ground cinnamon	¾ tsp	£0.05	Fancy
Ground nutmeg/allspice	½ tsp	£0.05	Optional but fabulous
Dark rum (yes, really)	40ml minimum	£0.50	Necessary for life
Milk or coconut milk	90ml	£0.15	Optional beach vibes
Butter or coconut oil	1 tbsp	£0.10	Slippery
Raisins (sober)	70g	£0.28	Sticky bombs
Extra rum for brushing	2 tsp	£0.05	"Basting the Beast"

💸 Total Loaf Cost: £1.48 (plus therapy for what happens after you eat it)

💰 With electricity & depreciation: £1.58(That’s cheaper than a coffee and tastes 900% more rebellious)

🛠️ METHOD: RUM FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER

Step 1: Liquid Magic

In the breadmaker pan, add the wet dream trio:

• 90ml milk (or coconut milk if you fancy yourself exotic)

• 40ml dark rum (or 60ml if it’s been a week)

• 1 tbsp butter (room temp, not straight from the fridge of doom)

Step 2: Dry Like My Jokes

Sprinkle on:

• 230g strong white flour (no, plain won’t do – this is war)

• 2 tbsp brown sugar (because raisins alone can’t party)

• ¾ tsp salt (put it far from the yeast, they hate each other)

• 1 tsp fast-action yeast

Step 3: Spice Deployment (red alert)

Sprinkle with the grace of a hungover Nigella:

• ¾ tsp cinnamon

• ½ tsp nutmeg or allspiceIf you sneeze into it – congratulations, you’re now part of the recipe.

Step 4: Raisin the Stakes

If your breadmaker beeps like it’s come alive:

• Add 70g raisins at the beep.

If your machine does not beep:

• Chuck them in early and let destiny decide. That’s jazz baking, baby.

Step 5: Push The Button, Walk Away

Select your raisin/sweet bread setting. Hit start.Then pour yourself a supportive shot of rum, because baking is emotional.

🍸 OPTIONAL RUM GLAZE (AKA “The Loaf Tantrum Jacket”)

When the loaf is out and still warm:

• Brush with 2 tsp dark rum.

• If your loaf doesn’t look shiny and slightly flirty – do it again.

📊 COSTING BREAKDOWN:

Thing	Cost
Ingredients	£1.48
Electricity (2.5hr @ 450W)	~£0.06
Breadmaker depreciation	~£0.04
The smugness of homemade bread	Priceless

🧾 Total: £1.58 – or roughly the price of a Costa coffee the size of your foot.

🧈 HOW TO SERVE LIKE A LEGEND:

• Toasted with butter so thick it’s legally spreadable cheese.

• French toast, then top with cream and pretend you're on MasterChef: Tipsy Edition.

• Cubed, baked, drowned in custard: Rum & Raisin Bread Pudding of Shame.

👨‍🍳 BAKER'S NOTES (a.k.a. Frequently Ignored Advice)

• Coconut milk gives a softer texture and subtle "Why is this bread wearing sunglasses?" energy.

• Don’t use white rum. This isn’t a mojito, it’s a statement.

• Don’t tell your guests how much rum is in it. Watch their expressions. Enjoy.

🤷‍♂️ FAQ:

Q: Can I make this without a breadmaker?A: Technically yes. But why make life harder than it already is?

Q: Can I use sultanas instead of raisins?A: Only if you enjoy disappointing yourself.

Q: Can I eat the whole loaf in one go?A: Absolutely. But make sure your will is up to date and your sofa has a seatbelt.

👑 CONCLUSION:

This isn’t bread.This is culinary anarchy, wrapped in carbs, soaked in rum, and delivered via mini breadmaker like some kind of kitchen-based revolution.

Make it. Eat it. Brag about it online.Then lie down in a satisfied heap and listen to Reggae Gold 1996 while whispering

“I am bread.”

🧭 COMING SOON ON THE BLOG:

• Whiskey Walnut Bread: Knead for Speed

• The Spiced Loaf of Babylon

• Garlic Bread So Strong It Gets Its Own Postcode